Friday, July 21, 2006

Of sledging and Sir Geoffrey

Was having a chat about all of this with a pal the other night. Made him crack up and reminded me of the time I first read these little beauties. AM sure some of you might have read these, for those who haven't, you're in for a treat, is all I can say. The post is long, but worth every minute!

Enjoy

The Funnies
The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick

The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved. One day, a friend met him and said, 'You're looking a bit down.'
'The wife said she's going to divorce me.'
'What grounds?'
'Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lord s . . .

Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'

The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

In the 1970s, two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken. 'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!' Said Bob...'I've got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott's out.'

A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail. One day, he got the following telegram: 'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

Sledging :-

McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan:
"So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."
McGrath (losing it): "If you ever fCUKing mention my wife again, I'll
fCUking rip your fCUking throat out."

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it all eating," Cullinan retorted.

New Zealand vs South Africa: Daryll Cullinan was batting, attempting a comeback from a complete bamboozling from Warne in earlier games. Cullinan played the first ball from Chris Harris very carefully back down the pitch, and keeper Parore yelled out "Well bowled Warnie!"

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fCUk off.".

And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

Mark Waugh standing at second slip, Adam Parore, new to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fcuking useless now". Parore(Turningaround) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb fCUk".

Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes
McGrath was bowling to the Zimbabwe number 11 - who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball. McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: "Why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit." Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

Merv Hughes & Robin Smith
Smith played and missed while facing Hughes in the 1989 Lord's Test between England and Australia. Hughes, never short of a word or two, told the Hampshire star: "You can't fCUking bat, mate." Smith then smashed the next ball to the boundary and replied: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. "I can't fCUking bat and you can't fCUking bowl."

Merv Hughes again!!
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad in the 1991 Adelaide Test against Pakistan. Hughes was less than impressed when Javed called him a "fat bus conductor" as the pair squared up to one another. A few balls later, Hughes got his man and as Javed walked past, could not resist shouting "Tickets, please!"

This involves Steve Waugh and Parthiv Patel. Steve Waugh was playing in his last test and when he comes up to bat :- Parthiv-"so this is your last test...show us some of that famous sledging of yours." Steve-"Respect Me...For when I made my test debut You were still in your nappies"

Jeff Thomson was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game. Viv missed a superb out swinger, and Thomas said "It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces." Next ball Viv hits Jeff Thommo out of the ground for 6 and replies,"Thommo, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". The reply is classic Trueman, "Not you, son. Your mother should've!"

A classic from the master of sledging, Ian Healy: Ben Hollioake had
just made his debut, hitting Glenn McGrath in the process. On his way back after finally being dismissed, Shane Warne cried: 'Hey, Ben' Hollioake turned round expecting a pat on the back. Instead Healy came in from behind and said: 'Get back to the nets, you fCUking idiot.'

Rvi Shastri v/s Mike Whitney , the Aussie 12th Man. Shastri hits it to Whitney and looks for a single. Whitney gets ready to throw the ball in and says "If you leave the crease i'll break your fUCking head off " Shastri: "if you could bowl as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the fUCking 12th man"

Australian wicket-keeper Rod Marsh, to English batsman Ian Botham: "So how's your wife and my kids?" The reply "The wife's fine, the kids are retarded"

Australian Merv Hughes to Englishman Robin Smith: "Does your husband play cricket as well?"

Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : “Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”

Shane Warne when bowling against Arjuna Ranatunga wondered aloud what would draw him out of his crease. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up,"Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond coming out to bat in an Ashes match: “Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.” Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family.

"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for Gloucestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing an equally inept runner, "When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!" Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time." Anyway, when Wells played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10. During a county match, horror of horrors.......both got injured. Both opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on. Now we had *all four* running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, all of them ran to the same end. At this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which. You decide and inform the bloody scorers!". (Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)

During the 1997 Ashes series, the English team decided not to sledge Steve Waugh as he revelled in a hostile atmosphere and sledging merely fuelled his adrenalin. Waugh arrived at the crease and soon realised this: 'OK, you're not talking to me are you? Well, I'll talk to myself then'. And he did, for 240 minutes in the first innings, and 382 minutes in the second.

The 2nd Ashes Test ends in a dramatic win for the English. The last pair of Aussie batsmen, Bret Lee and Michael Kasprowicz have added close to 60 runs for the last wicket before falling, 3 runs shy of the target. As the dejected Aussies walk back, Flintoff puts his arm around Lee and has a few words. Sporting words of encouragement? A 'Well Done Mate' ? When Flintoff was asked what he said, he replied, with a cheeky smile‘I told him it’s 1-1, you Aussie bastard.”

If anyone has more that they would like to add to this, please do so, by all means.

Cheers all,

Da Riggs

5 Comments:

Blogger qwerty said...

hi riggy,

There are countless anecdotes but here are a few I can remember. Also, I thoroughly enjoyed your collection.

1. In '69, Glenn Turner was hit in the groin and collapsed in pain. I think it was Johnston who said, "Turner looks a bit shaky and unsteady but I think he will bat on 'one ball left'"

2. During Queen Victoria's days, the penny had her profile on one side and Britannia on the other. Apparently, W.G Grace always called out "Woman" and never "Heads or Tails."

Try to find a book, Ashes: Battles and Belly Laughs. It has caused brain haemorrhage several times in me.

3:42 AM  
Anonymous peccavi said...

I read a lot of these...but never seem to recall much...so here goes with one...

When mohinder amarnath was a wee lad...he was at a party with his dad, the great Lala Amarnath. At some point in the procedings - the Umpire for the series - a brit took the little kid on his lap to talk to him. Whereupon Amarnath Sr. is said to have remarked - "The son never sits on the british umpire"

riggah - thanks for countless moments of mirth :-)

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Riggs said...

I don't quite beleive that!

The old Lala was supposed to be quite a crotchety ol' bugger. Would he have had it in him to come up with a howler like so?

Anytime @ laughs, Pec.

12:39 PM  
Anonymous peccavi said...

well - have read it/come upon this in quite a few diff places...so assume it must be true...any which way...its a good one :-)

9:50 AM  
Blogger RUMS said...

@Qwerty... if THAT book has given YOU a brain haemorrhage several times, imagine what it would do to US... I can't type italics :(

4:27 AM  

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