Monday, April 24, 2006

Good Yeeveneeng Doorleengs !

Couldn't resist! It's not cricket, I know, I know. But once you have a look you'll know why this appears on this blog.

Yenjoy! And eef I see you toomarrow, eet will be too late.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Calypso Trippin' and Chinese Luck

It's a diverse world we happen to live in. It is inhabited, almost always unabashedly, by a variety of creatures, great, small and spiteful. Now, a surprisingly high percentage of human beings tend to believe we are evolving with the passage of time. It is usually a subset of this same population that also believes that good times last forever. And unfortunately for those of us who are labeled disbelievers, these good times usually bring with them fanatical name calling activities and other nonsensical tirade indulgences,apart from, needless to say, a remarkable 50 percent winning rate in a pivotal 2 Match Series. (Riggs, feel free to refer It is this writer's pragmatic stand that Captain Bumble is enjoying what can only be considered an elongated version of a run of dumb luck(albeit the run is generously interspursed with such flashes of good old reality as 100 all out in Test Number 100 and Sehwag willing his gracious self to perform once every 8 matches, just in case Mr More sort of notices he isn't quite in form.)

But speaking of dumb luck, thousands of years ago, a fine young lady daintily held in her hand, a cup of hot tea as she stood under a Mulberry tree in her father's sprawling garden. A silkworm (not that it was called that at the time) cocoon fell right into her tea cup, effectively ruining her evening of leisure. But when she attempted to pick the cocoon out of the cup, the young lady experienced what was the original serendipity - the discovery of silk. Now, Mr Bengaluru is no Chinese beauty, and I imagine he is far more familiar with Mixed Fruit Jam than with Mulberry Bushes, but he does seem to be bestowed with Captaincy at a strangely convenient time:

First, there is a coach under close scrutiny, far more likely to be held culpable for serious mistakes than the Captain himself.
Second, he succeeds an unfortunate cricketer, who became as much a victim of his connections as of the sheer thanklessness of his job. Ganguly's style of captaincy has now almost completely vanished from public memory, leaving a vacuum that would eagerly deify the daftest of replacements (Case in point: Riggs' appetite for outstanding humility in on-camera life)
Third, the Brits for some inexplicable reason, agree to spend the Indian Summer parading around the hottest cities of the subcontinent with a half-strength team.
And now, he heads to the Carribeans to face a team in- to use what is now a much abused phrase- absolute diasarray. While half the players are fighting over contracts, the same half is also contending for Captaincy-- The other half, no one's ever heard of.

Speaking of the islands but no longer about serendipity of any sort, Jimi Hendrix might have been on LSD, but our pal Riggs apparently suffers in a multi-colored haze of his own smugness. But let the Calypso spirit engulf our cynicism. Perhaps the sun and the sand will witness a fortuitious stretch of the rubber band that is now the best metaphor for RD's dream run. But then again, it was in the West Indies not many summers ago that a certain Indian demi-god called Sachin Tendulkar fumbled his way out of his good-as-new captaincy, innit? Brings us to semi-original serendipity that is Indian Cricket. We are quick to identify our Heroes and even quicker to bury them in our all-encompassing desires for the good times to last. If I were a creature named Riggs, I wouldn't be counting on the Steak House Trip. Unless I were paying, of course.


everywhere you go, always take the Wager with you !

It was just another lazy Saturday morning. The Riggster was downloading music off Limewire like it was going out of style ( Michael Buble, his new flavour of the season, IF you like old jazz music), when lo and behold, arrived Bartman. A few MP3 file transfers later conversation drifted to the age old Dravid VS Ganguly debate. Fiesty convo, at the end of which was laid a fine wager.

Ladies and Gentlmen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages, Once again, for your reading pleasure, we bring to you the Chronicles of Bartman and Riggs.

Enjoy !!

Riggs: Go away, filthy disbleever

Bartman: and we're abt to get on another stupid tour

Riggs: and stop readin trash @ Graham Gooch

Bartman: with a team in complete disarray

Riggs: WI tours is always fun

Riggs: where disarray?

Riggs: only disarray is Bhajji's packing methinks.

Bartman: 'Lara is one of 8 contenders for Captain.'

Riggs: oh THEIR disarray

Bartman: yeah

Riggs: i forgot to mention Gillespie on the blog mon, mebbe i do one for him. he my fav Oz cricketer since Waugh wented

Bartman: i know! awesome stuff!

Bartman: greek god oz

Riggs: how the feck do someone as strokeless as him get to 200? In under a year ?

Bartman: lol

Bartman: Dravid's just running on dumb luck mon

Bartman: that's what it is

* Note how the evil Bartman jumps from Dizzy Gillespie to RD in a flash.*

Riggs: is why i called yu a filthy disbleever

Bartman: yu know why people like Narayan Murthy more than Azim Premji?

Riggs: ummm .... i have no idea @ Premji

Bartman: because every Indian is in love with the idea of Money and Power. But it's a guilty pleasure from precondition. So it's nobler to have money when you look like you intend to give it away. It's nobler to have power when you are always willing to sacrifice it. It's nobler to be in position if it humbles you.

Riggs: its nobler to stop spreadin malicious propoganda just coz yu like bongs.

Bartman: Nobody in old Bangalore mentions Mr Murthy's multiple properties abroad. But they rave about how he still retains his old dilapidated house in Jayanagar

Bartman: lol..ok..ok..

Bartman: all Im saying is Ganguly's attitude was swallowed with much distaste. As long as he was winning, it was fine. But with Dravid, he's winning and he's humble and gentle..the splitting image of the mythological Indian hero. Victorious but Humble.

Bartman: It dont matter if he's a conniving bastard, as long as he is Humble on camera.

Riggs: I bet yer the kind of kid who was VERY upset to find out that the tooth fairy was really yer momma and that santa was really yer daddy, EH?

Bartman: lol..actually, i had no doubt the tooth fairy was make-believe

Riggs: LIAR @ tooth fairy ... i KNOW yu cried for days. AND yer sweet nanny (who was BONG) comforted yu. HENCE. Now we know.

Bartman: and santa, well, that was the fat classmate who played him every Christmas @ Nativity Scene Drama in School

Bartman: lol

Riggs: i see yu HAVENT refuted the Bong nanny yet!

Bartman: actually i had a Tamil Nanny

Riggs: who spoke Bong?

Riggs: who liked Arun Lal? and Biswojeet? and Victoria Memorial?

Riggs: come on, OUT WITH IT.

Bartman: who sort of threw my dinner plate up in the air and ran to prostate in front of the television everytime MGR appeared on screen

Riggs: HAAH ... a likely story!

Bartman: and cried for 4 days when he died and attempted suicide

Bartman: which was when my Mom asked her to kindly stay away from me

Bartman: no, seriously

Riggs: heh

Riggs: what was her name?

Bartman: Shivagami

Riggs: Shivagami Bose? Shivagami Ganguly? Shivagami Chatterji ? Shivagami Banerji ?

Bartman: lmao

Riggs: AHAAA the truth unfolds

Bartman: listen mon Mort

Riggs: when caught, always hide behind an LMAO.

Bartman: this very day of April 22 2006

Bartman: I make a wager

Bartman: would you say Dravid will have a dignified exit from Captaincy?

Riggs: I will indeed.

Riggs: Yer on.

Riggs: He will exit the game like Waugh and Naz and AB .... as a legend. Wait and watch. Filthy Behala Disbleever.

Bartman: I say, the same script will unfurl. It is possible however that in keeping with his Martyr Act, he will quit when the heat gets to him. But I bet he will not have some Waugh-like exit.

Riggs: STEVE, i might add, not whiney loser Mark.

Riggs: heh.... yu and i have a bet then, wot?

Bartman: Yes, I believe we do.

Bartman: It's not him mon, it's the constitution of Indian Cricket.

Riggs: heh .... i shall remind yu of this, some years down the line. What's the bet anyhoo?

Bartman: heh, you set the stakes

Riggs: I'll set the Steaks.

Riggs: Dinner it is!

Riggs: swankiest place in town whenever RD retires.

Bartman: hehe..Ok

Bartman: you will indeed be buying. because he ll quit in righteous indignation.

Riggs: and the winner gets to say HAAH TOLD YU SO as long as they like and smirk and gloat and do all the assorted actions associated with winning ... like sayin nya nya nya nya !

Bartman:'re on.

Watch this space. I just know, one day in the future, I'm going to be treated to a really nice dinner. In fact, as soon as RD's retirement is in the offing, I am going to stop eating. Just so I can really tuck into that steak. That Bart's buying.


The Riggster.

Friday, April 21, 2006

I hate to say ' I told you so', but heck, I TOLD YOU SO.

I realise now why the friendship series was tied 1-1. That damn trophy was just too big for one captain to hold....

This post is written with much glee, I feel like the grinch and some say,look like him too.I wonder why there hasn't been as much as a peep from Bartman. Indigestion methinks, I was told eating crow does that to one.

A few posts ago I said Indian Cricket was alive, well and kicking ass. Two matches in the dessert is proof of that. The tired boys in blue lost the first one for sure, but pulled the Pakis to the last over, not exactly a bad way to lose, but come the next day, it looked like the team had done one of those ad thingies.

They woke in the morning, brushed their teeth with Anchor (vegetable) toothpaste, The Skipper leading the way, smiling, which I think accounts for all those grins during the match. Sehwag was spectacular, his feet were moving, his shots had the ball disappearing to all corners of the ground. Life is so much better after you rub yourself down with Moov, which I'm sure is wot ol' Veeru did (after he had himself some Sehwag ki maa ka khaana and some Boost, Sirji). Dhoni was on song, his hair now black, thus making sure his complexion which is nurtured every morning by Mysore Sandal Soap glowed more than His Highness the Earl of Chapel. Yuvraj had one spectacular over where he smote 4,4,4,4 and 6 and looked damned good while doing it too, thanks to his Parachute After Shower Hair Creme. Having got the runs on the board, it was time the bowlers did their thing and boy, wasn't Pathan glad he shaved with his trusty Gillette razor in the morning, he was back on song getting rid of Farhat first and then Afridi with a complete ripper! Years of diving for that elusive Pepsi came good, Yuvie taking a blinder to get rid of Malik. Powar shone with the ball (Vandana Luthra Weight Loss Clinics HAVE to be making a beeline for him) and young Venugopal Rao took one of the coolest deep field catches I have seen in a long time.

Inzy stood tall like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, one was never sure of a victory as long as he was around and when he was done in by Captain Courageous, a quick run in, swoop down on the ball , run in some more, break wickets, raise hand in triumph and break cricket's 50 meter dash record, all in the space of 6 seconds brought a smile to my face. And a thought. Uh oh, Bart's gonna be furious. It was the Skipp!

Bart was quick to ask me if I had heard what Graham Gooch said about Captain Courageous. Gooch said 'Dravid needs to sound more honest' ..... back up a second ... HONEST ? This coming from a man who doesn't even have his own hair on is head?

HAAH! Complete Cobbles,I tell you.

That done, we now await Riggs and Bartman, Calypso styla. Will be fun, cricket in the Carib. The Indian team has just been announced for the tour and am glad that Kaif retains his place. But that's for another blog, wot?

More later!

The Riggster

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You!

It's 23:06 IST. We're not only ahead of Abu Dhabi on time, we're also way ahead on the doomsday feelings. Watch out in the very near future for the following largely redundant, but intensely pontificational pieces on the ongoing desert disaster:

1) Mort on the Foot in the Mouth Disease that plagues grown Indian Fans that behave like over-sized Dinosaur-obsessed adoloscents.**

2) Bartman on 26 different ways one can say 'I told you so.'

3) Bartman on how Amar Singh is trying to move sky and desert to build a delusional third front against the indefagitable Mrs G.

4) **Mort on how he is SO not Clifford ( refer IMDB's article on Martin Short) and Rahul Dravid is SO not a dinosaur.

For all this and more, do come back!


1st ODI - Abu Dhabi - India 198 all out. Will we win?

Righto, here we are again, just when we thought we wouldn't see it again, we're playin our cousins in the dessert. And hey, the script hasn't changed in 6 years, they're getting the better of us! Again. Damn Miandad and his six. Damn the dessert. Damn us cricket fans. Even those who've never held a bat in their lives.

I'm online and chatting with a bunch of pals at this moment. Some of whom are already writing the game off. Damned pessimists! Here's what some of them had to say as the match progressed ...

Riggs: and we jes lost 4th wikket
merma : awww
merma : we batting first?
Riggs : yep
merma : score?
Riggs : 72/4
merma : yikes
merma : terrible
Riggs : now Dhoni come and do a Superman and earn Reebok their monies
merma : he better, what with raina?

My pal then logged off without listening to what I thought about Raina ! Another depressed pal wot lives in Dubai got online and the woes just wouldn't stop. Here's what I mean ....

Ish: hey
Riggs: Hello yu
Riggs: bit shameless, damn indians
Ish: so cant believe that i got off work to see this idiotic match!!
Ish: and now i have sick paki on the fone - my frend - aamir - who be watching in AUH and be all excited
Ish: I'm sending reiki that all pakis get out in first 20 overs with less than a 100 runs...
Riggs: tell him we still gots bowl and yu be callin him back when pathan gets goin
Ish: just told him so..
Ish: he hung up !!

And then later ...

Riggs: ok i hope we get to 200
Ish: yea we will
Ish: crawl there - but we will
Riggs: dont look likely now
Ish: LOL @ my frend Gautam - who's watching match - he sent msg to say he not coming back to dubai for a week coz he has Paki neighbours!!
Riggs: lolol
Riggs: i dunno why everyone trippin
Riggs: they still gots bat
Ish: yeah they be quite rowdy here when there is a match
Riggs: we gonna win
Riggs: wait and see
Ish: shit (Thats when we lost another wicket)
Riggs: bah
Ish: forgot
Ish: 1 ball - think it cud be a 6??
Riggs: heheheheheehe
Riggs: mad c***s (thats the last run-out)
Ish: guess not
Ish: I'm depressed
Riggs: iddyet
Riggs: we gonna win
Ish: yellow n green tarts!!
Riggs: In fact i so know we gonna win that me gonna proclaim it so on da blog

And here we are, boy and girls and children of all ages, we're at halftime.

What's it gonna be in a couple of hours ?

Will Bartman's predictions of a flash in the pan series win against the Poms which will not translate into much come true? Is the Indian Cricket Fan gonna get shafted ... AGAIN ???

Or will Riggs, the eternal optimist, carrier of the Boys In Blue On Blog and firm believer that Indian Cricket is alive, well and kicking butt be vindicated.

Only time will tell.

And while you're still here, our brilliant commentators left us with some gems that simply MUST be mentioned..

1. He's done very well in his short span of career - Rameez on Suresh Raina

2. that is why he was magnificiently successful - Rameez on a Suresh Raina straight drive that went for 4

3. He's taken a bottle of sleeping pills - Sidhu on Rahul Dravid's runout

4. Next to diamonds and pearls, judgement is the real thing - Sidhu on Pathan's run-out

5. Pandemonium has not reigned, it has poured on Indian cricket - Sidhu on Sreesanth's runout.

That said ... GAME ON. Check later !

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The De-Tour That Was

We have now reached the conclusion of an eventfully inconsequential tour of the formerly-Imperialist,presently-Bushist Englishmen to the land of receding Snake charmers, emerging haute couture, timeless Chaat Streets and utterly indescribable Boys in Blue. Needless to say, the sojourn has had several entertaining highlights : Freddie taking on his thankless job with all the gumption that well, makes him Freddie, the discovery of Suresh Raina, the Indian team's unforgettable total of 100 in what can only be perceived as a fitting, all-out tribute to Sir Humble Bumble's 100th Test appearance, and of course, that crazed shot that M.S. Dhoni seems to have gained an inexplicable mastery over.

The Indian Side has undoubtedly come out on top, marked by the varying degrees and genres of persistence on display - the persistence of the good form of Yuvraj Singh, the even greater persistence of the poor form of Md Kaif, and the greater than great crab-like persistence of the bug that goes by name of Virendra Sehwag. Also on fine display was the bumbling work in progress called Rahul Dravid. Armed with resources that presented themselves in some highly talented youngsters and the lack of it ( also known in some circles as invaluable experience) as seen in some highly clueless veterans, this man has successfully completed his venture to defeat a visiting side that visibly missed home, half its decent players, motivation and its sense of what it possibly means to play cricket at 43 degrees celcius.

But like the Afghans say, Zendagi Mitzara - Ah, well, Life goes on. Now,the Afghans don't really fancy cricket and the Talibs had them play football in pants to avoid indecent exposure, but they do know a thing or two about life. And in taking their word, I look forward to the upcoming travails of the Great Indian Jaggernaut as it makes its way across the Mediterranean. But before I sign off, here's what's weighing heavily on my sense of right and wrong- what was the greater style statement: was it Captain Bengaluru's black band for Annavaru or Powar's spiderman sun glasses?


Sunday, April 09, 2006

King-doom Come

Once upon a time, there lived a King. Now there are all sorts of Kings, aren't there? Some that inherit Kingdoms, some that get elected Leaders, some who defeat Evil Incumbents and still others who execute coups to overthrow the Sovereign. Well, this King, most of his people knew what kind he was ( and I say most because there were some neo-converts who just called him kind. Sycophancy is an art of the delusional, no doubt.) Now this King had encountered a lucky streak after a long series of average battle performances. This lucky streak had lasted 4 minor battles and his people had begun to rejoice. Even those that had been doubters had begun to allow themselves some pride at these victories.
The King began to feel complacent. He had after all, kept his word, and brought laurels to his people as he had promised. But he had an image to protect. So he put his PR machinery to work. These spin masters, they knew a thing or two about the gullible masses and the lies they buy into to survive. They quickly spread rumours about the King's spirit of sacrifice and his endless pursuit of perfection for his Army of Knights. The King then took a chill pill and packed his men off to the next battle without him. The minnows were, of course, thrilled to bits at the grand opportunity to prove themselves at war. And the masses, well the masses were dizzy with gumption. An act of such pristine nobility. A deed of pure, unadulterated sacrifice. In such dire times too. Are we even deserving of such grace?
All was well, as they say, in stories about Kings and Battles. Except the ground sort of broke open and the much-awaited battle was held in suspension. Ah well.
As for the masses, they now know more than ever what a grand man they have for King.
Not only did the King possess the qualities of bravery and sacrifice, he also had the vision to foresee the wetness of the outfields in distant lands of battle. And in his infinite wisdom had ensured that his spirit of sacrifice would outlast the moisture in the earth. And in this glorious discovery of the King's greatness, the masses now wait with bated breath for a new battle to unfold. It sure is good to be King.


Thursday, April 06, 2006

For the record, Indeed !

Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye One and All, Especially YOU, Bartman, O ye of little faith!

Indian Cricket is alive. Indian Cricket is alive and well, praise be halleleujah, ever since our Australian Angel St. Chappeli got rid of that spawn of Satan Sourav, praise be sweet Jesus, Glory Be, put your hands together and REJOICE.

For the record, we just broke a world record. 15 continuous wins chasing a total. What's the big deal about that you might ask. I'll tell you. Firstly, they broke a record set by the West Indies between 1984-85 and 1986-87. Most of the lads in the team had just been born. That's how big a deal it is. That's 15 straight innings that our lads have held it together. When you realise that our top order is as fragile as, let us say, my bank balance, it IS a whole big deal.

What makes all this so special is the fact that it's the young guns who made it possible. Freddie & Co came to India and during the tests figured out a way to stop Sri Sehwag from firing. Keep it short, get it to rise at his throat and lo and behold, the Butcher of Najjafgarh is now the Bacha of Najjafgarh. I can so imagine quick bowlers around the world rubbing their hands in glee waiting to test this theory out. This has so dented his confidence that Sri Sehwag is hopping around like a cat on a hot tin roof, getting dismissed this time by a bowler called Blackwell, who at best, is a trundler. Captain Courageous and his trusty sidekick Private Pathan have more than staunched worries up the order, its when they get out, bringing our other batting superstar Kaif-gaaru to the wicket that we realise we're in the middle of a batting collapse.

It's past this that the team has really shown its testicular fortitude by digging in and making sure we win. 15 times now. Yuvraj, in my opinion, the next best left-hander in the world after Brian Lara has been a revelation. Since the first ODI against Pakistan he has walked to the wicket and scored fast, scored elegantly and most importantly, stuck around till the very end on most occasions. Suresh Raina comes in next, immensely talented and quite easily the next superstar. I imagine all the advertising agencies who have just about started counting their crores post a Dhoni sign-up are adding on a couple of more zeroes to their contracts. I shan't even waste time talking about Dhoni's place in this middle order. He not only marches to a different tune, I suspect he marches to his own drummer and on his very own parade ground as well. His flat-bat-swatted six at the Goa ODI is the most incredible shot I have ever seen and I know I've seen a lot of incredible shots. I can't wait to see him bat in Australia against the Aussie quicks. God knows where those mis-hits will land.

That done, this post cannot be complete without a mention of Captain Courageous. Whether it's keeping wickets or walking out to open the innings against Akhtar in a test match in Pakistan as the Blink Blink Bong wouldn't, he's led from the front and has always been THE team man. Bartman smirked at me since the Skip was resting himself for the next 2 ODI's, I told Bart the Skip was being his selfless self again. Taking one for the tream. How else will Sehwag remain in the team eh? You can't possibly drop the Stand-In Skipper, can you?

Three more matches. I just hope the Indian Thunk-Tank (read Kiran More and his band of merry-men) for once realise the magnitude of having to play three matches, lose them all and still win the series. The best chance to give all the youngsters in the team a go. For all 3 games. Imagine what that will do to their confidence. No RD, No Kaif, No Pathan, No Harbhajan .... Yes Robin Uthapa, Yes Venugopal Rao, Yes Munaaf Patel, Yes VRV Singh. Will be such a blast!

That said, Ciao my lovelies. More later.

The Riggster

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

For the Record

So apparently, tommorrow, while the sun shines over the great city of Kochi( so I was taken in by this huge bill board on MG Road see, it said Keraland. Apparently, real estate in Kerala is real hot just now and Kochi is a great city. I take it they weren't fibbing. I mean, they had a coconut tree on the ad, how could they be lying, I ask you). Well, anyway, while the sun shines over the great and humid city of Kochi, Captain Lumberjack is all set to challenge Dada's continuous-ODI-wins record. Now the TV-waalas, see, they are sure that the occurrence of the event is beyond contention. In fact, they are so sure that the record will be broken that they already broke the news of the record as Breaking News. In fact, they beamed the same story of near-and-imminent success so many times today, they successfully qualify for what my Grandma's dental hygienist calls a broken record.The news-waalahs that is, not the statistic is question. So, anyway, as I was saying before the dental hygienist broke my flow, as the sun shines over the great, humid and election-torn city of Kochi, Mr Obvious will attempt to garner his new and Chappel-ified resources and beat Freddie's side,breaking a record on the side. And Freddie, well, I reckon he'll concentrate on mending what is broken. Like the English Spirit. Although, if you went by what he did for Dada's spirit in his autobiography, Kochi will have have no more than the re-hashed Communist Manifesto to be entertained by. Meanwhile,mending, it appears is a strangely Western obsession. Frost was besides himself with mending walls, America is besides itself with mending the Arabs, Blair is besides himself mending his Dubya-toxicated ways. But Captain Humble, well, he's on the appropriate side of the Atlantic. Where, if the mill is to be believed, all is well and nothing needs mending. Not even Kiran More. Well, nothing except the data that gets spruced up each election to establish the Literacy Rates in Keraland. Now, now, besides the effin point, I remind myself. As the sun shines over the great, humid, Communist-infested,literate city of Kochi, may the breaking bring splendid amusement to all- the skeptics, the converted, and the clueless. Much like the elections and Robert Frost.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Such A Fine Balance

Every Tom, Soumitra and Parusaram Swamy (aka Pete Roebuck) these days rants and raves about the changes that a certain Mr Chappell has brought to the circus that goes by the name of the Indian Cricket Team. Now I'm all for change, I assure you. Like the Rinpoches of Tibetan Buddhism will have us believe, change is the only permanent thing and all that jazz. What is important, however, is that change bring progress. Now, some smart alecs ( like Riggs, to overtly exemplify) will question the 'progress' judgement call. But to these Riggsters, I have this to say: when a new coach comments on the alleged financial constraints of a former captain to an international daily, that's no progess. Not unless you measured progress by proximity to a dunce-like balance. Allow me to dwelve into the moral realm here. Here's a guy who was in the running for coach's position a few years ago, but lost out to John Wright, apparently because of the astronomical fee he quoted. He's in the news next because skipper Sourav Ganguly approaches him in a bid to try and iron out deficiencies in his technique against quick bowlers and the rising ball just before India's tour of Australia. All well. Now in transit, this guy is also on board an academy in Australia that trains gullible young Indian cricketers recommended by you-dont-say Mr Kiran-Kangaroo-Lookalike-More (well, his pout IS large enough to fit a joey,dont you think). Then Mr Gangs ( now, this is one of those not-very-smart-babumoshai things the guy has done, in the same bracket as letting Mr Bengaluru be vice captain) lobbys for him to be coach. So there's all this masala brewing about how Dada always gets his way with the Board. So all well. Then the great African Safari happens.
Now we all know what that was not about. And it wasnt about the team's balance, I tell ya. How do I know? Cause we were playing Zimbabwe. The team could have been on rotting bamboo stilts in a swamp in Cherrapunji and still beaten the descendents of Tikolo. And who, Sir, might have leaked a private email to the Board to the mongoose-like TV media in the desh? Kiran-friggin-More is who. Now add to this all the Sena-types, Gujju-types, Punju-types who never got themselves to accept Dada at the helm of things, those atrociously insipid Board elections and Mr More doing a Dick Cheney, shooting ducks in the closet they call the Selection Committee, and we have now the humble-bumble Bangalore lad, you know, obviously, you know. So we now ensure Kaif never gets around to making any runs, Pathan bowls his heart out on his way to fulfilling the Great Indian Paceman's Two Year Retirement Plan, we're dropping Gautam Gambhir for being in-effin-consistent and retaining Sehwag to carefully avoid any decline in sales at his sweetmeat store in Najjafgarh. Well, obviously, balance is all that matters. You know.


Napitully Gaendbaazi Dour Walli Chode Se

Do you remember the time before Mr. Murdoch and his band of merry men descended upon us and changed the way we watched television forever? Do you remember the days before we had Star Sports, ESPN, Ten Sports and the recently added DD Sports? Do you remember the days when the only cricket you got to watch on TV came to you direct from Doordarshan? I do. Ever so clearly.

Many, many years ago, I was a wee tot in school, hooked onto cricket like everyone else around me was. My worst memory of class 8 (besides when the dishy lass who sat beside me cooed about how she HAD a boyfriend) was watching Javed Miandad swat a Chetan Sharma full-toss over mid-wicket to set up Pakistan's most famous win over us Indians. The shot and the ensuing mad dash for the pavilion by Javed and that Lionel Ritchie look-alike Tauseef Ahmed coupled with the words 'It's a six, it's a six, Pakistan are going to win' ..... Stop. Rewind. What the heck was that? Here we have players halfway to the pavillion, runnin with the delight that only victory can bring and we have a commentator who's still a whole 30 seconds behind the rest of the world?

I saw highlights of the same match recently on Ten Sports, a channel that takes great delight in beaming that match, the commentary seemed funny when compared to the trash Arun Lal and L Siva deliver us today that I decided to sit down and think about all the cricket commentary I could remember for the last 20 years.

My first thought goes out to all those dull test matches we played, made even duller by a certain Dr Narottam Puri. I recall during the Reliance World Cup of 1987, the use of many more TV cameras than ever before had Dr Puri not only calling the action on the ground, but also telling us, with orgasmic delight, which camera the view came from... 'As you can see this is the run-out from camera #3 and now we see it from another angle from our camera # 12 and.....' Weird !!!

If the Doc is in the box, can Anupam Gulati be far behind? I still recall the plummy bearded face who always smiled like there was a buffet close by. Other than plain old cricket commentary, Anupam also hosted our other most watched programme ‘World of Sport’ 4:30 pm every Sunday evening. One does not recall anything specific that the good Mr. Gulati said, but yes one remembers that he was not always right.

You know Gautam Bhimani? That irritating chap that goes around town whilst the team battles on to save national pride? Him, with face that only a mother could love? Ah well, his Daddy was in the box too. Kishore Bhimani. He always reminded me of a grouchy army colonel, miffed at the troops for losing a battle over something silly. He never would talk about what happened on the ground but everything else. I still remember a early 1986/87 ODI India being demolished by Sri Lanka at Kanpur or one of those cities. Chandrakant Pandit had gotten out to an atrocious shot and Mr. Bhimani almost bust a blood vessel by yelling ‘what business does he have playing a shot like that’

All these gents pale into insignificance whilst compared to the one and only Aakash Lal. Now, I’ve heard people speak slowly but Aakash not only took the cake, he took the baker and the bakery along with it. He didn’t’t just speak slow. He spoke slower than slow. For eg, Azza not only came to the wicket, he took guard, faced up, turned one down to fine leg and got to the other end while Akash was still on ‘ Now … walking to the wicket…. is … Mohammed ….. Azharu…… you get the picture. My friends and I spent many humourous moments playing cricket ourselves in the colony and giving commentary Lal style.

And then, we suffered (and still continue to do so) hindi commentary. Hands up all those of you who remember ‘ kaafi napitully gaendbazzi kar rahe hain dour walli chode se’. Holler if yu hear me say ‘shandaar tarikay se nikala hai covers ke bilkul beech mei se’. Gimme a hell yeah if yu want me to part with my ‘vishesh tippanis’ of the day. And they murdered names. I remember ‘Grammy’ Hick and ‘Gatting batting kar rahe hain’. Who can ever forget ‘Funny’ De Viliers, Hansie ‘Cronj’ and ‘Brain’ McMillan? Not me for one! Sushil Doshi and Ravi Chaturvedi, take a bow!

And then we have a host of present sub-continent commentators who take commentary to another level. Or should I say depth. But that’s all for another day!

Keep it real, folks!


Monday, April 03, 2006

Kaif = Sehwag = Not Bloody Much

(April 4, 2006 00:20:18 AM)

Bartman: so finally 'the boys have batted well'

Riggs: yeah, Yuvie played a blinder tho

Bartman: poor kaif is going the sehwag way wot

Riggs : yeah, anotha Bombay Duck in the making

Bartman : i hope he finds his way back quickly before he has to start talking like sehwag…. 'since my childhood, i have liked attacking. that's what im going to do now'

Riggs: yeah attacking Sehwag ki maa's food is wot

Bartman: someone should have pointed out that in childhood, most folks like to act like chimpanzees

Riggs : he got out like a blitherin’ idiot today

Bartman : probably what a baby chimpanzee would have done

Riggs: this mon.

Bartman: You sure? This isn’t really funny.

Riggs: We only gonna post funny? Not thot provoking ??

Bartman: Right, you got it.

Century Huduga

(3/18/2006 12:13:47 AM)

Riggs : yu must be rather miffed? That Banglooru chap is playin his 100th test tomorrow? chap wot made his debut wid him not there

Bartman : ‘well you know, it reely is an honour for me, you know, i mean to share this moment with the boys, you know, and with sachin, you know, i mean, obviously, you know, it is an honour for a cricketer, you know obviously, i mean, with anil here too, you know’

Riggs : yer sore-av grapes are showin mon, but i terribly thrilled for Kumble and his 500. Now dat was special

Bartman : fucking half josephite playing half baked games against colleagues with half witted aussie coaches


Bartman : yeah..kumble's is a special achievement no doubt, what's most honorable is he says it's just another game, i mean how cho chweet is that

Riggs : yer soundin like a Rebel wid sharp claws

Bartman : ‘sachin's breaking a record and kumble's breaking a record and england are going to work their english arses off to level the series and he's going to play his 100th game…. and it is just another game’

Riggs : grumble grumble

Bartman : he's a con job ll see one day

Riggs : when mon? When he gets to 10000 runs ? *just checking*

Bartman : lol

Bartman : laff it off mon..

Riggs : or when he become india's most successful captain?

Riggs : Gangs had wins against Zimbabwe (and hundreds against them also) and Bongladesh. Those shudnt be counted

Bartman : just recall that every captain from gavaskar to shastri to kapil to azhar to ganguly...each one was meted out an uncharitable end to career.. it's the nature of the sport in india mon...way too much spite and interpersonal bullshit

Riggs : Gavaskar retired wid style .... and a 188 in his last 'big' match as a member of the World XI VS MCC XI, Shastri .... he never captained, save one test .... and when did he matter anyhoo? As for Kapil .... he retired AFTER he was carried for like 15 tests so he cud make that world record.

Bartman : that was after he had given up his captaincy

Riggs : Azhar ... well ... it was either retire or be the world's first cricket-playin jailed cricketer, Ganguly .. he lost captaincy after he needed 300 balls to score a hundred against Zimbabwe AND Kaps wasnt captain coz no one cud unnerstand his post-match conference… 'it give great me joy and pride as indian spinners kumble take 500 wikkets we whole nations shud be prouds'

Bartman : look are too wise to believe all of this was straightforward and merit-based and had nothing to do with board politics and Dalmiya and Bal Thackarey's closet deals with Pramod Mahajan

Riggs: What did you do this afternoon mon? Drool over Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory?

Captain Lumberjack

(3/20/2006 12:18:48 AM)

Bartman : did they not consider waiting till the end of the series before
they declare a guy captain for the next 1.5 years?

Bartman : i mean even if it's a given, what would possibly explain the timing of the announcement?!

Riggs : cant imagine how these chaps weren't part of the first team ... they is so good. Can ya imagine wot Vaughan and Trscothik wuda done?

Riggs : I grant you,I didnt understand that one at all @ naming capn so soon .... that too for so long

Riggs : not that i think dravid wud get complacent

Bartman : doubt mon, series wudda been a lot more interesting with vaughn at the helm

Bartman : doesnt matter what HE gets mon, cholera maybe

Riggs: they wuda beaten us

Bartman : but is there a precedent to this sorta announcement?

Riggs : nopes

Riggs : not that i can think of

Bartman : it's amazing what sort of politicking happens mon..

Riggs : i guess they dont see anyone else capable of leadin this team

Riggs : do yu?

Riggs : did u see that complete freak show last week ... Aus VS SA?

Bartman : very funny...but even if that's what the selectors think, i dont see the merit to the announcement...sheer mind games

Bartman : yeah of cos..

Riggs : wot balls eh?

Bartman : too bad they didnt fight it out in the first test tho

Riggs : i KNOW we wuda given up by the 30th over

Riggs : of us bowling, ie

Bartman : lol

Riggs : forget the batting

Bartman : smith's been great for them mon

Riggs : he's got attitude

Bartman : now that's an inspiring is vaughan..all attitude

Bartman : hehe..exactly

Bartman : something mr humble bumble has none of

Bartman: you know

Riggs : he does too@ attitude

Riggs : now shush we arent goin there

Riggs : he's gonna save this one for us wait and see

Bartman : right, the attitude of the strong silent lumberjack in a mills and boon novel

Riggs : i never read any but i think i get the picture

Bartman : oh yes, i have no doubt he will mon. all heroes in modern india follow that gallant selfless script, you know. first you make an inexplicably stupid decision that costs your people the world. then you get someone higher up to give you a plaque and assure the masses of your secure future. then you know, you sorta, you know swoop in and save the world.

Half-trekker, Coming Soon

(1/29/2006 10:47:36 PM)

Bartman: sup

Riggs : not much mon

Riggs : i bet yu gonna have a sleepless nite tho

Bartman : huh?! why?

Riggs: Ganguly's batting

Bartman : Uh..

Riggs : dude did u watch those indicators come on?

Riggs : his eyes go blink blink ..... blink blink .... blink blink ..

Bartman: What is to happen of the Prince mon?

Riggs : dont lose heart

Riggs : mebbe he'll become a commentator like Ramiz

Bartman : how benevolent

Riggs : soon he ll be saying of Akhtar, he is bowling a half trekker i dont know why

Bartman : maybe he ll grow a nose in defiance too

Riggs: i have NO idea wot Ramiz's haff-trekker is

Bartman: i think he means track ?

Riggs: half tracker = short ball that pitches in the half of the pitch = half trekker?

Riggs : and the third slipper i know

Riggs : and of cos, law of Evrejes

Bartman: I doubt Dada's hair will grow any longer.

Riggs : dint know if he meant Average or Yuvraj
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